I don’t know where to start with this one. Am I the only one that feels like their body is working against them? My mind wants to exercise like they do on TV, I want to jog and hike and do all the things that “happy” people do. I used to do those things (well I never ran because, seriously…). I used to climb mountains. I was in an outdoor school that required non-stop hiking and camping in the woods for a week a month. I had no issues physically then. I could do pretty much anything you asked me to.
Now it’s a different story. I can barely walk 45 minutes without every cell in my body wanting to collapse. It isn’t the regular out of shape feeling. At least I don’t think it is. This feels like death. Every step feels like I’m dragging a 1300 pound weight behind me. I get dizzy and lightheaded. My legs want to give out from under me and my ankles cramp up. Every step feels like it will be my last but I keep pushing. I push through the dizziness, even when everything starts to go blurry and I feel like I’m about to die, I keep pushing. Maybe I push too hard, maybe I don’t push hard enough. I used to do so many things and I don’t understand why my body has decided to give up on me. What do I have left if I don’t have a body that is supporting me? I have no access to a car, so I have to walk everywhere. My brain already limits me so much in what I can do, what do I have left if I can’t walk to the stores and parks that I can actually go to without freaking out?
I have kind of come to terms with the fact that my brain is fucked up and it probably will be for the rest of my life but I am having a harder time accepting the fact that I am 30 years old and my body feels 90. I keep pushing, waiting for it to get easier but it doesn’t. It just gets harder. I am so done with this.
I have gone through many tests, blood tests every three months and even a CT scan. All they can find is that I’m anemic and I have inflammation in my body. My doctor doesn’t seem to think it’s worth trying to track down where the inflammation is coming from. She told me to take iron for the anemia but didn’t tell me a dosage. She just said take one a day. I used to take iron daily but I have a hard time swallowing pills so I stopped. I did have energy when I took iron, almost too much. My body would have energy and want to go to do all sorts of stuff but my mind couldn’t back it up. The anxiety stopped me from doing things my body wanted to do. Now my body is stopping me from doing things my mind wants to do. I see my doctor every three months and sometimes every week. I keep going back because I feel like I’m not getting an answer. I keep telling people that I am not okay and no one seems to be listening. Maybe I don’t know how to say it right to make doctors realize that something is going on. I feel like I keep getting brushed off. I hate going back so often because I don’t want to bug them and I feel like I’m being needy.
I just want to feel healthy again.