Remember my post about how much I love Twenty One Pilots? Well, I am lucky enough to be able to go to one of their concerts. Everything I have seen online from their shows looks amazing. The two of them are able to put on more of a show than a group of 5 (one direction, anyone?). Why is this a big deal you ask? Let me tell you.
When I first discovered them and started my obsession, I looked up everything I could online. I saw videos and pictures from their shows and saw the passion they played with night after night. The back flips, drumming on the crowd, standing on the crowd, climbing things that they shouldn’t be climbing, it just looks so bad ass. Of course I saw videos of other people going to their concerts and I thought I would never be able to do that. Surely someone with agoraphobia as bad as mine would never survive a concert like that in downtown Vancouver. I went to a three days grace concert at the casino about 5 minutes from me and could barely stand I was so nervous. “I could never do that” I told myself over and over, feeling defeated once again by my own brain. The majority of me wanted to go so bad I would do anything but that one little corner in the back of my mind said “no, don’t do it, it’s too dangerous”. I spent nights thinking about how awesome it would be if I was “normal” and could go to things like that. How amazing it must be for people to be able to go to events and not feel the weakness in their legs and the constant trembling of their entire body from the overwhelming fear. Fear of what? I don’t think I even know anymore. It is so ingrained.
One day I was daydreaming and wishing and hoping and decided for some reason to google Twenty One Pilots tickets. I found that even though they were sold out from the actual vendor (Ticketmaster), they were available from third-party sites like StubHub and Ticket Liquidator. They were double the price of the original tickets but I would spend almost anything to be able to see them. I casually mentioned it to my mom thinking she would brush it off, but she didn’t. She was open to it. Of course I would never be able to go without her. She is my safety net and the only one I trust to get me home from a night that far away from safety. She would have to drive me, I was willing to rent a car. If I remember correctly we talked about it for a day or so (I might be wrong I may have purchased instantly). She said she would go with me. I was just expecting her to drive me and maybe hang out downtown while I was at the show but she went further than that. She agreed to come with me to the concert. I went to three days grace alone and although it was good because I could leave when I wanted, it felt pretty lame at the same time. I was so excited I remember I could barely think. I was going to attempt to do something I thought I could never do (I say attempt here because it has not actually happened yet and I might fail miserably). I bought two tickets for the show and I was reeling with excitement. I didn’t care how much the tickets cost or how much the rental car would cost. I wanted to go to Twenty One Pilots and I was NOT going to let fear or money stop me this time.
Flash forward to now, seven days until the concert. I will forget about it for a while and then all of a sudden it will flash into my mind and my stomach will flip about four times. I have the tickets on my fridge but there has been so much bad press lately about third-party sites selling fake tickets. I really hope these are real because if they aren’t, I think I will be heartbroken. This might be my only chance to see them in a smaller venue and not in an actual arena that seats 60,000 people. I bought the tickets not knowing what seats I would be in, only the row. I am lucky enough that I won’t have anyone in front of me because of the layout of the theater but I won’t be in the pit. I am actually raised up a few feet from the floor level so I should have a good view without being so far away that I’m on the balcony. I am terrified and excited. I decided this is not something that I am going to let anxiety ruin. I have ativan and I have even gone there as a test run to look at the location and check my routes and all that. I have done all the preparation I can to prepare myself for the new surroundings. Luckily, google street view lets you actually go inside the theater so I have seen what it looks like, where the bathrooms are, where the exits are, where my seats are in relation to all those things and have basically done as much as I can to ensure my success. I am trying to not let fear take over and just feel pure excitement. If you have anxiety you know that excitement can quickly turn into the all too familiar feeling of sheer terror. I want it to be the best night of my life and I think it will be. I might be the only 30-year-old there with her mother but who the fuck cares. I do what I can in any way that I can. If that means altering who I go with or how I get there, it’s worth it because I still get to experience something I never thought would be possible.
I can’t wait to see these two. Seven days.