Oh Shit

We haven’t had a car in about 10 years. That means we have been taking transit, cabs and borrowing family cars when we can. Not having a car is about twice as difficult for someone with anxiety and agoraphobia. Being unable to take transit means I have to cab everywhere. That means that I can only go so far. I’m not going to spend 80 bucks on a cab. Because of that, I have been pretty much been stuck within walking distance of home. Mom started a new job recently and it has been taking her 1.5 hours to get to work and another 1.5 (sometimes longer) to get home. I started sensing that we needed a car. I mentioned it to mom a few times and she always said she couldn’t afford it. Everyday she came home exhausted from the long bus and train ride to and from work, I felt bad for her. At this point, I work about three or four hours a day and I do it from my couch. I kind of felt like I needed to step up a bit.

A few days ago I started to do the math a bit on what it would take to actually get a car. I was surprised to find that it wasn’t as bad as I had thought. I researched Kias and had an idea of what I wanted. They make reliable, safe cars at a good price. I figured for the price of a Kia, I would just have to work maybe an extra hour or two a day. I think I can do that if it means freedom for me and an easier life for mom. We went to Kia on Saturday and it was a fucking zoo. They were having a sale that we were unaware of so pretty much everyone and their cousin was there. We were greeted as soon as we stepped on the lot. They’re like vultures! Our salesman’s name was Fender. He was named after his dad’s first guitar…pretty cool, I thought. He took us inside to show us a Rio. We weren’t really sure if we wanted a Rio or a Forte. After looking at the Rio, I liked the shape and I liked the interior. It felt small enough that I might be able to handle it, but not too small that it would be useless for transporting anything.

He pulled a Rio and we took it for a test drive. Mom drove it cause I don’t have a license. I don’t think I would want to drive it anyways…not fresh off the lot, lol. Mom was happy with the way it drove and I was happy with the way it looked and felt. We headed into the office to do the business end of the deal. Shit was getting serious now.

We ended up being at the dealership for 4.5 hours. Between going back and forth with the salesman, waiting for the finance people to be free, doing the insurance and then waiting for the finance lady again, it was pretty much an all afternoon affair. I had no idea it took that long to buy a car.

So anyways, I now have a 2016 Kia Rio EX that I can’t drive because I don’t have a license. I am trying not to freak out about the payments and the length of the term. It is a big responsibility and I feel like I have to actually be an adult now…Terrifying. Mom is taking me to take my L next week cause we both have the week off. I don’t think I will be able to take weeks off anymore now that I have this payment, hopefully I can still get some time off though! I just hope I can actually buy the thing, otherwise this is just a waste of a lot of money.

Redemption Song

A few years back, like maybe 5 or 6, I attempted to go to a Blink 182 concert. I bought tickets and asked my cousin to come with me. I was pretty excited but I had no idea what I was getting in to. My mom drove us to the arena the concert was being held at and about 10 minutes from the venue, I started losing it. Panic set in and I didn’t want to do it anymore. Before that attempt, I hadn’t been to a concert since 2000, and that was outdoors. This arena is huge and when I saw the lineup to get, in I couldn’t do it. I told my mom and my cousin I wasn’t going to go and luckily she had a friend she could call to meet her and they went together instead. I cried the entire way home. I remember that feeling very clearly, it wasn’t pleasant. I felt like a total failure. I pretty much grew up on Blink 182. I loved that band growing up and getting the chance to see them live was exciting. Unfortunately, anxiety won again. So after crying the entire way home and my mom doing her best to try to make me feel better, I think I just layed (lied?…I don’t fucking know) in bed and felt sorry for myself. The next couple of weeks sucked as I kept reliving the fact that anxiety ruined yet another thing that I wanted so badly. After a while, the burn of disappointment wore off and I moved on with my life.

Now, many years later, I get another chance. Mom won some tickets in a contest to a concert of her choice that Live Nation puts on. We looked at the options and the only one remotely interesting was Blink 182. They are playing a much smaller venue this time (I mean, it still has 6500 seats but that’s better than 50,000). She was gracious enough to use the tickets to get Blink tickets and agreed to take me. Another concert I will be attending with my mother, but if it gets me there, who cares? This one is about the same distance away as the Twenty One Pilots concert was, just in the other direction. I have done my research on this venue just like I did with the QE Theater for Twenty One Pilots. Google is a little less informative on the inner layout of the building but there are enough pictures of what a concert looks like in that building that I think I can manage. It’s pretty much just a hockey arena on a smaller scale.

I don’t really have my heart set on this as much as I did the last Blink concert. I think it’s because I already kind of lived the dream with the Twenty One Pilots concert. I also wish Tom was still in the band. It probably won’t be the same without him. I know nothing about the new guy. I kind of know what I’m in for now noise and atmosphere wise. I feel a little more prepared and if things don’t work out again this time, that’s okay too. I am trying to stop myself from putting too much pressure on myself. Failure means that I at least tried. Of course I hope I can do it and stay through the whole thing. I would hate to rent a car and drive all the way out there and ditch at the last minute. I have a few months to prepare for it anyways. It’s time for round two with anxiety…ring the bell bitches.

Dating

The dating world is a nightmare right now. Everything is done online, which is fine, it’s just that sometimes you don’t get what you bargained for. I have been on an uncountable number of first dates over the last couple of years and each one has been its own kind of nightmare. I’m on POF and OKC and the men on those sites seem to have one thing in common, adventurous. They all climb the chief on weekends, skydive, travel the world, drink beer on the beach and workout 6 days a week. It’s funny how online you see a lot of posts about people just wanting to stay in, but that isn’t the case in real life is it? It seems like everyone is living life to the fullest.

I went on yet another first date tonight. I had high hopes for this one, he is what I want physically, he’s funny, he has a job and seemed sweet. He was most of those things in real life. I don’t think there will be a second date. I am so sick of going on first dates!

You know that famous line by George Costanza – “when I like them, they don’t like me, and when they like me, I don’t like them”. That is real life. I have this idea in my head of who I want and I am starting to think maybe he doesn’t exist? Maybe I have changed too much to be able to ask for what I am asking for. I might be aiming out of my league.

I have been single for probably about nine years. The dating world is hard enough, let alone when you have anxiety that severely limits your life. Going on dates is pretty hard when all of the typical things that daters do are out of the question. It seems like as soon as I mention anxiety, a lot of the men just vanish. It’s called ghosting and it happens A LOT. The conversation is going along fine, then one mention of something that may be considered less desirable and POOF, they’re gone faster than they arrived.

After this many failed attempts, I am starting to want to give up. I have deleted my profiles before but always reactivate them shortly after because of the “what if” syndrome I have. People don’t really meet any other way these days. Not in the Vancouver area anyways. It seems like if you go up to a person in public they will either think you’re asking for money or you’re crazy and they need to run as fast as they can. It’s hard to get past the first look on dating sites and I will admit I am the same way toward the men.

Maybe I need to lower my standards, maybe I need to be more realistic, maybe I need to be more open to experiences and different types of people. I am so guarded because of my last relationship that I tend to push people away when they do want near. I am tired of being alone but also scared to be with someone. At some point I have to jump off this metaphorical cliff and let someone in again. The thought is terrifying but also exhilirating. I guess for now I will just continue my search for the next first date.