I have the AWOLNATION concert coming up this friday. It’s downtown. Me and mom took a drive down there to scout out the area. That always makes me feel a little better. Of course I was freaked out to find that you cannot drive on the road that it is on. It’s “pedestrian friendly” so only buses and taxis can go on it. That freaks me out because then I need to be able to actually function and walk to and from wherever the car is parked. I have this fear that I will just crumble into a ball of anxiety and not be able to move. I have terrifying visions of being huddled up on the corner of a downtown street with people walking by me and I am just stuck there with no way to get home. That’s always the underlying fear, not being able to get home.
I asked my cousin if she wants to come with me this time. I had the feeling that mom didn’t really want to go and I didn’t really want to go alone. It’s a venue I have never been to before and it’s in an area I’m not familiar with. My cousin is much cooler than me and is well versed in the downtown area and has been to the venue before so she knows the ropes better than I do. I am trying to take solice in the fact that she knows her way around there, she knows where the skytrains are and she knows the blocks and what they lead to. Again, I am just hoping I don’t crumple into a ball and she has to drag me or go find my mom to come and carry me. That being said, I tend to be a runner, not a collapser. So when I do get super freaked out, I just bolt from wherever I am, not necessarily collapse.
I thought of chickening out. I really did. But then I listened to some AWOL songs and remembered how awesome they are and that I would of course be super bummed to miss this one because of anxiety. I am trying to stop the fear from taking over my life again. I fought hard to get some sort of a life going again and I am not about to let it gain any ground on me again. As long as I can get to and from the car I should be okay. It will be dark in the venue and hopefully will be getting dark outside. It’s on a friday downtown which is going to be a nightmare in itself. I will manage. I always do.