Wow, it’s been two months since I’ve written. I have thought about it many times but usually by then I’m in bed and not about to move. I wish there was a way to just mind meld my thoughts onto a blog. It would be so much easier. First world problems I guess. So here we go, this might be a long one.
Let’s start where we left off. I had just gotten my N. Since then, I have managed to not wreck the car. I have had a couple of close calls but luckily I have a quick reflexes lol. I’ve been driving all over the place. That of course also means I spend a lot more money because I have access to more stores! The car has improved my quality of life so much, I don’t know how I went so long without it. I still can’t believe I can drive. It’s something I never thought I would achieve because of anxiety. I still get waves of fear while driving but am confident enough in my abilities to stay safe. For now at least!
I also went to the Alice Cooper concert with mom recently. That was an amazing show. I have never seen such theatrics in a concert, mind you I haven’t been to many. There was a guillotine, a giant Frankenstein, sparks and smoke and all sorts of stuff. We had aisle seats which was nice because we weren’t crushed like at the TOP concert. I had two guys sitting next to me that were dressed fully in latex and wigs and brought their own flasks of rum. I will tell you one thing, I won’t be forgetting the smell of sweaty latex and damp wigs mixed with rum any time soon. Still, that was one hell of a show and their female guitar player was INSANE.
Since I have the car now, I have seen a psychiatrist at the TriCities Mental Health Team. I was to scared to access that before because it would have been quite the bus ride. I got a referral from my GP and went over there. She stopped my respiradone because frankly no one knows why I was on it in the first place. Apparently someone at some point thought I was psychotic. I’m happy report that I’m not. Since being off that, sleeping has been more difficult. I think it was acting as a bit of a sedative at night for me making it easier to fall asleep. I have more energy now as well. Not as lethargic, again I think because of the lack of sedative in my system. It feels good to know I’m not on that medication anymore.
The psych also recommended that I start Yoga. I did Yoga in New West through the mental health group there and found it beneficial but it was highly discounted at $2 a class. When I left New West I was no longer eligible for that so I stopped. I did some research and tried to find a Yoga studio that wasn’t too far away, not overly expensive and seemed non-intimidating. Yoga can be very judgmental if you are in the wrong studio. Luckily, I found a great studio that is no pressure, great people, the instructors are a blast and it is just regular people. No judgment and no professional yogis that can twist themselves in six different ways at once. I had been going twice a week, once to Hatha and once to Chillout which is soft yoga by candlelight (fake candles). The Hatha was a bit too intense for me so lately I have only been going to the chillout. Now that I am earning more at work, I am able to afford it.
Before I started Yoga, I was quite lonely. I had no idea how to meet people or make friends. I am doing so well and frankly was a bit depressed that I was doing so well, had my license, was working and all that and yet still had no friends. No one was noticing me. No one was there to see how well I was doing and how I was starting to function as a “normal” human being. I realize that this can make it seem like I am doing better for someone else and that I wanted to do this for attention from someone else. Maybe that is partly true. I guess I thought that if I did all this and became “socially acceptable” that people would want to be around me. People would see me as successful and think I was worth being around. Maybe if I looked like I had my shit together (even if it was only on the outside), people would want to hang out with me, see me as a fun person and stop turning me away. The fact that I had all of this together and yet was still so alone, was devastating to me.
Yoga gave me a way to meet other people in a non-threatening environment. The first class I went to, a girl instantly introduced herself to me. She was very welcoming. I kept going and a few classes later met another girl. She was super nice too. So that made two people that I might be able to be friends with. Then the last class another girl came in and we got along too. This may sound very juvenile and maybe even a bit pathetic but I am hoping these can turn into friendships and I can stop taking my mom with me everywhere. I sound like I am desperate for someone to like me and want to spend time with me and I think that’s true. Humans need human contact and locking yourself away for years can be damaging psychologically. I’m glad that I took the leap and I’m trying to make connections again.
Let’s see, what else has happened….I got my hair dyed the other night. I decided I wanted to go a turquoise color next. It took 5 hours to strip the current color, bleach and dye and Olaplex my hair. The girl that did it took her sweet time but I don’t mind because it came out well. I tried to book with my usual hairdresser but couldn’t because she was booked up past Christmas. I guess I waited too long. Anyway, I’m pretty happy with it. Still getting used to it though. I have had pink hair for so long that now that it’s darker again, it can be weird to look in the mirror in the morning not to mention my pillowcase is now green.
One of the curses of anxiety is that when things are going so well, you are waiting for it to all fall apart. History has shown me that when I get up, it will all inevitably at some point come crashing down again. Sometimes farther than I was to begin with. It is always lurking in the back of my mind and I know it’s there. It’s waiting for me to show the slightest sign of weakness and it will pounce. I am waiting for the morning that I wake up and am scared to the leave my room again. Not long ago I was unable to go as far as the mailbox. I try to stay positive but history tells me it’s coming. Hopefully with the music of Twenty One Pilots (that gave me the strength to crawl out of my hole to begin with) I will make it through this time. I might stumble but hopefully I will catch myself and won’t face plant like I have before. Even if I do, I know Twenty One Pilots will be there to pick me up again.
|-/ Together We Go |-/