I have restarted this blog post three times now. I’m not really sure what I want to write. Sometimes it’s hard for me to put what I’m feeling into words. I do have a tendency to get sad after the holidays. My birthday is on January 7th and that kind of fucks with me too.
For some reason I have felt incredibly sad these last few days. Again, I’m not sure why. I am doing everything the same as I did when I was happy and felt proud of my accomplishments a week ago. I think I just get smacked in the face with loneliness sometimes. I felt a pang of relief when I typed that last sentence so I am going to take that as a sign that it is what is truly bothering me right now.
I know that I have come a long way in my life this last year but I still find myself alone more often than not. This is mostly due to deliberate isolation on my part. I hid for years because it was easier than having to answer to other people. My anxiety makes me say “no” a lot and frankly it’s just easier to have no one around to ask you to go places or do things than always have to say no and explain why. The problem with that is now I am more open to experiences and am trying to say “yes” more but there is no one around to say yes to.
I am tired. Emotionally, physically and mentally tired. Sometimes I just want someone that I can collapse into to feel safe. Someone that I know will look out for me and let me just stop fighting for even a few seconds. Anxiety and depression are exhausting. Fighting in your head everyday to act like things are fine when you know that you are slowly falling apart. Slowly falling back into the pit that you spent so long trying to crawl out of.
I have been on the go a lot recently. I think I’m trying to distract myself from what’s really going on in my head. When I drive around by myself, I do feel lonely and I really just want to go home but sometimes home is even lonelier. I have been distracting myself trying to act like everything is still okay, if I just ignore this for long enough it will go away. The problem with that is when I am in bed at night with nothing to distract me, the feelings creep up. I want to cry and that would probably help but for some reason I just can’t. I’ve never been much of a crier as an adult. I tend to just smile and pretend everything is okay unless I am incredibly overhwlemed or one of those sad SPCA commercials comes on. I suppose I am doing myself a disservice in that regard.
I am trying to be compassionate toward myself and give myself the space to feel the sadness and anxiety that have been creeping up. At the same time, I’m trying not to fall too far back into the place I was before because crawling back out was one of the hardest things I have ever done.
Get up Johnny boy, get up Johnny boy
Get up ’cause the world has left you lying on the ground.
You’re my pride and joy, you’re my pride and joy.
Get up Johnny boy because we all need you now.