Worth

There is a lot of sex talk in this post, just a warning

When did everything change and why did no one tell me it was happening. It seems the days of relationships are over. I may be wrong, but that is my experience lately.  Maybe it’s just the world of online dating. Maybe it doesn’t extend into the real world, I have no idea. How else do you meet someone these days? Especially when you don’t really have friends to begin with…at least not ones in the same city as you.

I have had to explicitly state in my dating profiles (yes, plural) that I’m not poly. It seems like everyone these days wants to fuck multiple people with little to no emotional connection. I don’t understand how you can like someone enough to fuck them but not enough to want to spend time with them while they actually have their pants on. Why would you fuck someone behind closed doors that you wouldn’t be willing to be seen with when the door is open.

I understand that poly is multiple relationships at once and it is not always purely physical. Maybe I have been misinformed, either way, it’s suddenly everywhere and I just don’t seem to be able to integrate into that lifestyle. I hadn’t dated for maybe 10 years or so before I got back into it with online dating. I’m still in the mindset that you meet someone, the butterflies happen, the flirting happens, the awkward first kiss happens. Now it seems that the standard procedure is jumping in bed with someone before you even know their last name. I explained this to someone once and they told me “Shannon, we aren’t in high school anymore”. I didn’t realise that it was a school aged thing…

Am I wrong to want to be with someone who wants to be with me regardless of whether I’m wearing clothes or not? Someone that wants me around their friends and someone that’s okay if the night of Netflix doesn’t end with sex. I’m sure there are still guys out there that are looking for that kind of connection. The problem with the dating world today is that people are seemingly in infinite supply. One girl won’t agree to sleep with you? That’s okay, swipe till you find one that will.

I have a hard time with a purely sexual relationship. I have tried to convince myself that this is the way things are done now, but it just isn’t who I am. I don’t know if it’s jealousy, insecurity or maybe I’m just “old-fashioned”. Having said that, I seem to be in that situation now.

I stepped away from him at first because it was purely one-sided. Of course after a few weeks of radio silence, he apologised and I am right back into it. He said that he would be okay with just hanging out and not having sex, he would leave it up to me. The problem with that is that as soon as I’m over there, he’s all over me. I guess I should be flattered that he finds me that attractive physically but there is that voice in the back of my head telling me I’m worth so much more than that. Why am I sleeping with someone who can’t tell me what his intentions are. I think in the back of my head I know exactly what he is doing and what is going on here. If I let him do it, why would he think he can’t. If I don’t respect myself enough to demand more, why would he respect me enough to offer it.

I am trying not to blame myself for this. I have been incredibly lonely and I’m getting more attention than I have had in years. I should probably tell him I’m done, and maybe I will, but I made the mistake of actually starting to like him. He gets boyfriend benefits without having to be a boyfriend…he has it made really. I have been telling him it’s okay to treat me this way with my actions. I don’t want to be left behind, I don’t want to spend another decade alone. I know I deserve better, I’m just not sure if anyone else does.

My friends tell me I’m being too intense, he says that too. Maybe they’re right but I’m just used to a different way of doing things. “Just have fun”. It isn’t fun for me. I really get nothing out of it other than lost sleep. I feel wanted for a few hours and then I’m out the door. It would be different if I had as good of a time during the sex as he does, but I don’t.

It’s not a pleasant feeling to be liked enough to sleep with but not enough to date. He says because we have only hung out a handful of time he doesn’t want to rush a relationship…but he is perfectly happy with sex. That is so backwards to me. I just don’t get it…yet here I am, doing it. I do want a relationship with him, I think… Maybe I just think I do because he’s the only one there right now. Maybe if someone else came along I would leave in a heartbeat, I have no idea. I’m confused, hurt and lonely and I don’t know what to do. I just don’t get why I’m good enough to sleep with but not good enough to date. I’m not cut out for this.